Reading The Spider Act      by Karen Sneider

I don't have a problem with spiders just so long as they follow my simple rules. Upon entering a room which I know is inhabited by a spider, I say these rules out loud, in a clear, firm voice so that there is no opportunity for misunderstanding:

RULES FOR SPIDERS

1) Size requirements: Do not grow larger than one inch.

2) Keep a Low Profile: Once you have established yourself in a corner you are to remain there for the duration of your time in the room. That means no crawling around on the walls, no dangling from a strand of web, tiptoeing across the floor. I don't want to see you. I'm like a spider truant officer: "Excuse me, what are you doing in the bathtub? Shouldn't you be catching flies?"

2A) Personal Space: Trespassing in these zones will result in immediate termination: My bed, the underwear drawer, my toothbrush, pantleg, front of t-shirt, hair, computer keyboard, and my sneakers.

3) Regarding Jumping Spiders: If you are a type of spider that could be classified as jumping, you really have no place here. Leave immediately. I've tried to live with you guys before and no way, uh-uh, eyes too shiney, too many sudden movements. As I write this in the northeast, I don't think I even need to say it, but the same goes for tarantulas, trapdoor spiders and giant spiders of the bird-eating variety. Thanks, but no thanks.

4) Spider Bites: If the ground starts trembling, do I angrily kneel down and take a bite? No. That would be the action of a crazy, irrational lunatic. Or that of a spider, taking an illegal short cut across my face. Any bites discovered on my body upon awakening will be deemed your responsibilty and an act of war. (Please refer to rule 2A, Personal Space.)

5) Jazzmasters: Spiders will hereforeto be referred to as Jazzmasters, in order to decrease their power to scare or inflict pain. I know a Fender Jazzmaster would never hurt me. But it would play sweet.

6) Breaking Rules: Failure to obey these rules results in death. There are no exceptions, no mercy.

6A) Special Exceptions: If you can prove yourself to be an exceptional, magic Jazzmaster, ala Charlotte of Charlotte's Web or a reincarnation of a loved one with a wish to grant, rule 6 may be suspended.

SPECIAL PROVISO FOR HUMAN FRIENDS

1) Do not give me toys, plastic models, or halloween rings featuring said animal. A friend of mine sent me a file called tarantulahat.jpg. We no longer speak.

2) Do not own one as a pet. Once I dated someone who did this to me. Good heavens, what if it escaped? The empty tank- the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach- where is it?! Pan to dark fuzzy object on shoulder. Cut to flatlining heart monitior in hospital, my pale dead face. Or here's what would happen: A few sleepless nights later I'd see it, I'd spot it taking a leisurely stroll across the kitchen counter. Obscene bulbous ass wobbling and and brown hairy fingers waving as if to say: "Hello, don't mind if I help myself to these cookies!" Not only will I kill it, I will destroy the entire apartment in the process, because everything not nailed down will be thrown at it. And I will scream the whole time I do this. Upon returning to the apartment, my mate would find me panting near a pile of destroyed possesions. When the question "What the hell happened?!" arises, I will point at the pile of wreckage and answer: "Jazzmaster."